Back in the ring.

And so I bleed and then to my surprise and pleasure I ovulated! I was human after all! Maybe I really could be a woman again!

I had spoken to the obstetrician about trying again for a baby. He had said that we could try as soon as we felt we were ready. Straight away if we wanted. So why not! Off we went! Every day for about a week! Mike thought all his Christmas' had come at once! I kept a positive head but tried not to have any expectation so as to avoid disappointment if things didn't pan out.

Easier said than done. After 7 days I couldn't wait any longer. I bought a pregnancy test and thought well I may as well try. I was disappointed when it came back negative. I didn't think I would be but the head and the heart are two different things. So I waited. Hopefully in the next week my period would arrive which would mean things were definitely back to normal and we could try again soon.

They didn't come. Well not when I thought they were due. I felt myself going down again. getting sad, depressed, struggling to put on a brave face. On the off chance I did another pregnancy test just to rule out that faint possibility.

It came back positive!!! I was shaking!! I hadn't expected that! I had to go out and buy another one just to double check! Yep positive again!! I tried to keep my head. There was still a hell of a lot of risk but hey it's hard not to be happy when this is all you have wanted for the past 4 months!! So many emotions all barrelled into one. Happiness, relief, fear, anticipation, trying to remain positive but not too positive. The date was Wednesday 28th April.

On Thursday I visited the doctor. She was happy for me. I was beaming. I couldn't help myself.
She sent me for blood tests just to confirm pregnancy and also as I mentioned I was worried about progesterone levels being high enough to maintain the pregnancy; again on my insistence.

On Saturday we all took a trip into the city to the Wildlife Park and had a great time showing Jasmine the crocodiles and watching her pat kangaroos. We went to lunch and were about to head home when Jasmine needed the toilet. I popped her on the loo and then went myself. As I put my hand down to wipe it was like slow motion. Bright red blood. A fair amount. I said 'Oh no please' but quickly had to conceal my emotion as Jasmine was still in the room with me. I wiped again and there it was more blood. It was 2pm in the afternoon. I went out and told Mike.

Like a dream we went and got the car from the parking station. We drove home. Speechless. Tearful. I rang the doctor. The nurse looked up my blood test results from Friday and said that the Hcg levels looked good and were in range and that my progesterone levels were also fine. She asked if I had cramping. I said no. She asked if the blood was red or brown. I told her bright red but only when I wiped. She said that bleeding in pregnancy can be common and not necessarily a sign of miscarriage. She advised that if the bleeding got heavy or I had cramping to go to the hospital as the surgery would be closed.

That night the bleeding eased off. There was hardly any. I started to wonder if everything was ok. The next morning the same. Nothing. I started to believe that maybe the baby was ok. We went about our day. Trying to keep positive.

At 2pm there it was again. More blood. Bright red and thick. This can't be right. But what could I do. Nothing just wait. No cramping. Maybe that was a good sign? I was scheduled to have blood tests again on Monday they would tell me what I needed to know. I waited patiently.

On Monday I think I knew. More blood. Two days ok but three days can't be good. I went early for blood tests and rang the doctor. She told me she would ring me with the results that evening. She explained that what we were looking for were the Hcg levels to double. My blood tests on the Friday had shown a normal and healthy pregnancy. If the Hcg levels doubled on this test then all good if not then I didn't even want to think about it.

I don't know how I got through that day. Waiting, trying not to stress. Trying to stay positive. If this wasn't a miscarriage then all this worrying wouldn't be doing the baby any good. I kept my head up and did what I had to do. By 8pm that night I was an anxious mess. Finally the phone rang. I picked it up after the first ring.

It was not good news. The Hcg levels had more than halved. I broke. Not again. Not again.